PETA — or the AI, which I’m convinced probably provided the best bits of this dilapidated drivel — decided to be slavishly derivative, repeating original locations and keeping the rough structure of Genesis, while simultaneously scrapping the main theological message of the story and the major plot points that give the inspired Word its emotional heft.

In this incredibly sanitized version of the Bible, Cain isn’t a murderer, Nimrod stops being a hunter, Hagar is a chef, a dog takes the place of Isaac on Mount Moriah and there is no sacrifice, Pharaoh’s butler and baker both live, and Pharaoh’s dreams involve vegan preaching, not the famine responsible for reuniting Jacob’s family.

Joseph’s brothers still decide to kidnap and sell their brother out of jealousy, but they also wouldn’t dare harm a goat to dip his multicolored coat in goat’s blood. Instead, they use beet juice. Yes, they contemplate murdering their own brother, but God forbid they touch an animal.

Meanwhile, Enosh draws the short end of the stick. Rather than living for 905 years (Genesis 5:11), Enosh lives for a measly 50. “Enosh consumed the flesh of animals and thereby committed the ultimate sin, leading to a shortened life of shame, weakness, ignorance, and illness,” the Bible according to PETA intones.

Somewhere between the AI and the wokescolds at PETA, basic details got lost. If the Bible according to PETA is “a modern version of Genesis,” modernity is very sad indeed.